Keeping it Underneath
I spent alot of time drawing and making comics about the made up worlds I often escaped to, this was still a way to forget about asking myself questions that I should have been asking. You see, the major problem I had after I had my surgery is that I did not know what I saw myself as, I found it so very confusing and distressing when I entertained the thought of what I would look like wearing my mother's old clothes and then found myself posing in-front of a mirror, I knew everyone wanted me to be a boy I did not know what I was, I remember when I was really young wanting certain things that were supposed to be for girls and the n feeling very shameful for those thoughts cause I thought it was not normal. Same thing when I posed in-front of that mirror, the same every other time I posed in-front of a mirror, the shame tripled when I hit puberty a slight breeze could turn me on ,I hated it, I beat myself up over the feelings I had, I did not want this.
Getting a Clue
I could not play with the girls, did not have the semblance of guts to voice what I wanted so I got into reading and playing X-Men with the boys insisting that I play Rouge I really liked Gambit too, thought he was hot. I got really into video games and spent a good deal of my time with that. One day, some exploitive talk show was on and they had someone on there who was a transsexual and it clicked for me, I immediately began researching, but even though what was said felt right to me I did not want it to be true, I was hoping that I was a transvestite or something, it was very easy to test this since I spent most of my time outside of myself and came to the conclusion that the clothes did not turn me on, still, I did not want to be TS so I turned to paganism in hopes of making it go away, it did not work, I just grew more angry and had myself a little melt down out in the woods.
Coming Out
I was always so overwhelmingly afraid that someone would find out my secret. I had so many nightmares of some shadow demon exposing me. Once, when I was 9 or 10, my brother caught me trying on some of my mother's clothes, I was absolutely mortified butt he promised not to tell anyone, much later I found out with him being a chronic lier that he told my mother , she decided it was some sort of phase apparently.Luckily after my little meltdown I acknowledged that nothing could be done to get rid of it, besides it felt right, the only times in my young life when I felt inside myself, but I had no idea what to do about it. I found a private Yahoo group for trans teens where I made a few internet friends and got alot of info, but my fear did not allow me to come out to my parents about it, puberty did not get me to come out, it is a good thing that the thought of suicide is something I cannot stand and thinking about it so strongly and thinking about how I could do it, how easy it would be, and asking questions like "If I can't be me then why not?" this pushed me to meekly come out to my parents, my mother thought I was going to tell her that i'm gay so it did not go over well, unlike many others I am lucky that after all the yelling and arguing they said that they love me and would not kick me out, that was when I was 16.
Perfect Timing!
My parents sent me to a therapist, each one with no knowledge of what I was going through and none of them wanted to talk about my gender identity at all wasting my time at a time when I thought I had no time to waste at all. I originally told my parents right after my grandfather had died, I had the worst timing, then my grandmother was starting to follow him, I love my mother and out of pity I did not mention anything gender wise for about a year until the suicidal thoughts crept back and I told her again when my grandmother was on her deathbed dying of lung cancer just like my grandfather. I know! PERFECT TIMING! Well after visiting a therapist who tired feeding me anti-depressants and then another useless therapist every week for 6 or so months I insist on making a serious attempt to find someone who knows something, sure enough we found a social worker who knew a thing or two, and I felt like she was someone I could talk to, but after a few visits she brought my parents in there and explained to them what was going on, which elevated my parent's understanding then she said that she could only do so much, that sadly she did not know of a therapist or psychologist who knew something about gender identity but she knew of a good support group about an hour away. Even though my parents came away with a greater understanding it did not stop me and my mother from getting into an argument every time we opened our mouths.
Group
I started talking to the woman who ran these meetings found out that they were having a pool party and I decided to go, I was so very nervous that I did not really ask any questions and if I did I cannot remember, they did not think I would be back, guess I looked scared indeed. When I came to the meeting it was larger than I expected, and I remained silent, but something I remember very clearly was a transsexual named Blythe, who was/is a beauty and I thought that I would never look as good as her, during the next meeting I got the confidence to ask where they go for therapy how they get their hormones, they said that there was a psychologist across the street who deals with most of them, well what do you know.
Early Relationships
During this time I had my first real boyfriend, before hand I would pick of the guys I liked, but only between me and him, I think the first one got the wrong idea, indeed I was harsher and I had not reached that soft playfulness with it that i'd later have. Next I started sleep with a neighborhood boy when I was about 14, he had a pretty hot body and was the first person I went all the way with and he was the first person who knew I was trans. Not too long after I started dating the on girl who I would call Goth in my high school, she was me for all intents and purposes except she was not the cuddling type, when she wanted to go all the way with me I just could not do it, it did not feel right to me so we broke up, I would later come out to her and we were friends for a short time before a good ole country boy started dating her and threatened to beat me up. I dated a rich girl after her but while we got on well I would not have sex with her and I lied to her about wanting to get back with my previous girlfriend. I found out that many of the girls in my high school thought that I had that dark, mysterious, "no one knows nothing about him" thing going on. Back to that time, I had met this guy online, he was tall with long blonde hair which I was so into being a fan of the Highlander series way back when. I had to drive 4 hours to see him, I did not dress up girly or anything, I did not think I had anything good enoguh to wear, so I just went in my boys clothes, I was very late, I am terrible with directions, I missed the diner we were supposed to have but eventually found my way. He wore tight blue jeans, black boot, a white t-shirt, a man corset, and a leather motorcycle jacket, I was nervous but swooning, and despite how I dressed he treated me right and we headed towards my first Goth club experience where I sat on a desk the entire night holding on for dear life due to my social anxiety at the time, still everyone was nice and respectful towards me and left a good impression, in the end his involvment in BDSM freaked me out too much at the time so I ended it.
Finally!
As soon as I was able I went to see the psychologist across the road, I immediately liked her, she had a way of talking that made you comfortable and willing to talk about anything, she went right past the wall, and determined that two months was enough for me instead of the standard 3 months of therapy before being prescribed hormones. heh, I remember I was in the waiting room one time and a little girl with her mother were there and the little girl pointed to me and said "Mama, she's pretty" that made me feel really great. I had to go see a doctor first and I did not like him one bit, it's funny that the first time he took my blood I passed out and fell on the floor, I came to as they were lifting me up, I had forgoten where I was for a few seconds, I just knew people were grabbing me so I started punching wildly hittign him in the face. The first time I went to pick up my hormones I thought that this might be a dream, I was so happy even though I fell asleep alot....Tomorrow i'll keep going with this journey, including key figures in my life and the Goth scene.
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