"Illusion"

Yesterday I was walking around NYC in the village trying to see if my feelings about the city could change for the positive in 90 degree weather. I did indeed feel very good and much more relaxed unlike most of  my visits to the city. A friend was with me and he wanted to introduce me to a new restaurant knowing how much I like traditional foods, sadly the restaurant had closed, not surprising I suppose knowing how hard it is to keep a restaurant operational. So he treated me to a delicious gourmet donut where we had a conversation about how people dress and what that says about them especially my my ex who would wear sweatpants to an opera and what doing such things truly says about him. Afterwards I insisted on going to "Big Gay Ice cream"  across the street where I introduced my friend to who Bailey Jay is (I got interested in what she has to say through her "Sugar & Spice" podcast with Jen Richards it was my #1 podcast!) Told him that i'd like to meet her but I do not think i'd want to hang out with her, my friend gave me an odd look so I started explaining....
i've been friends with Sarina Valentina since we both started transitioning over 10 years ago but even though we were great friends over the phone, every time I visited i'd feel very inadequate, How I acted over the phone ended up not being the same in person,  That was me in the past when I had very low self-esteem and little self worth, would I feel so inadequate today being much more secure in my person, or maybe it has something to do with the profession? So I started to think how my insecurities have changed, I am much more guarded today, why? I have an idea.... but i'll talk about that another time for the sake of not making this too long. Is this inadequacy only on the surface or deeper? Sure I have not known any woman who has not felt inadequate in some way, I feel this even today when passing some people on the street, so at what point does the feeling overwhelm? Sure, media plays into it alot but now I believe that it is ingrained and how much depends on the person and that no one is completely exempt.

My physical insecurities affected my mental insecurities when I was younger and it stems from many things in my past. I believe the many insecurities I have today are more invisible unlike the many insecurities I had when I was younger so it seems that I swapped my insecurities... or, maybe they just matured and I am sure many other's feel the same.

"Sugar & Spice" with Bailey Jay & Jen Richards  (The latest one talking alot about what I am trying to get through on this post)