Warning: Explicit Content!
Going Goth
I was not what most people would call a typical teenager, I did not do all those things that teenagers were supposed to do, sure I hung out with other outcasts, most of whom were really into metal music, and music was basically one of the very few things that connected the outcasts in school, I was such a big fan of Rob Zombie that I knew every lyric of every album he was ever involved in, other than that I cannot remember anything I really had in common with the other outcasts other than a ghost hunt we went on just to scare our-selfs because small town Lexington NC was so boring for kids like us. Lets see, there was me, Julie, my ex gf Amanda, and for the life of me I cannot remember this guy's name even though I have more memories of him than anyone else during that time, I know he was a very interesting study, back in the day I was a bully of my own faults and insecurities, knowing this allowed me to stop when I was still a little child, but he was a bully due to his terrible parents, home life and extremely low economic surroundings who changed his tune towards someone when one became interested in figuring him out, that was all he wanted, someone who cared. I hung out with the geeky/nerdy contingent, who oddly enough seemed to rule the school since many of them were also athletes, we would form a lan party every few months, I remember one of them constantly wearing pink before it was cool for guys to do so, but he also had long blonde curly hair, about 5'4 and did things that girls would do, he'd say that he was making a statement, but I saw something different, a few years later I got him to come to a Goth night, Savvas did the kid's make-up and because of how the kid acted Savvas was certain that he must be trans, many years after that I was hanging out with a former friend, said he went to a get to-gather with that crowed where I was a main topic where that kid could not stop making fun of me, I told my former friend about that night when Savvas did the kid's make-up, my former friend said that it explains alot about the kid, some days I briefly wonder if that kid made the leap to transition. Sometimes i'd hang out with metal head Rob and his contingent, and I started working the sound for their band at Dizzy Gs in Greensboro at their new metal night, where I learned that the place also had a Goth night, and sadly before I could go the place closed down. None of the people I knew then knew what Goth music was, but we had a CD stealing scheme at this one store(I wish I never did that) which is where I got a little taste through the Sisters of Mercy, Floodland album. I was already into what most consider to be industrial, I was very quickly becoming a KMFDM fanatic through my brother who at the time was working at a radio station and brought home many free CDs. from there I got into the dark electronic side of Goth through Cleopatra and Metropolis compilations that they used to sell at Hot Topic
When I started to go to college, I started seeing this tall skinny guy dressed in black who grabed my interest, so I ended up approaching him, his name was Adam who was a piano prodigy, we got on well during that time, he introduced me to more music and told me that I must meet someone named Savvas, but before that could happen we had some sort of falling out that I cannot remember.
SavVas
Not to long after Adam I found myself going to a Goth dating site, I checked out the GLBT section for NC and there were only two people, Ron and Savvas, Savvas seemed like the more sane and interesting one so I ended up contacting him, Sadly he was moving to LA California with his friend Steven. Well he ended up hating LA and moved back to NC after 3 months. I working for the shop where my brother was piercing at the time when I learned of a new Goth club in Winston-Salem so I figured i'd invite Savvas, I went to pick him up after work, I wore this really cool long gothic skirt and this black with purple stitching tight hoodie that detached at the sleeves(I still have the skirt) but once I saw Savvas I thought "If he can go out in public like that, then what the fuck am I afraid of?"
SavVas 5-21-2004
Everyone in the Goth scene knew who Savvas was between Raleigh and Charlotte, he was a very positive person, someone who could be "Your best boy friend or your best girl friend" He made sure to introduce me to the right people, he knew exactly how to get me to start talking and, for once I felt like I belonged, everyone he introduced me to were so nice and polite I could not believe it, I had nothing but fun that night, after the club we had an after party at the pagan house where I learned what kind of drunk I am(the fun kind) and I poured ice on Mac who had just received a whipping BDSM style from a small cat o nine tails and Savvas's love/hate paddle.
Each time I got bolder in my look until I looked just as out there as Savvas only in my own style and the entire spring, summer, and fall was filled with nothing but clubs, partying, sex and drinking, and a certain smell in my car after Savvas puked in it one night that always reminded me of Concrete Blonde. I was 20.
In those support group meetings that I went to, I was the youngest, no one had started transitioning as young as me, with the fact that they were a very political group, it made me alone, all I had at the time was talking to Sarina on the phone but she lived in Philly. So when Savvas told me that he knew someone who had started transitioning around my age I was excited, I really wanted to meet her! but he was not so excited about the prospect and delayed introducing me to her for as long as he could.
Marina
Eventually Savvas introduced me to Marina who was kicked out of her parents because she refused to change her feminine ways. She was forced to survive by being an escort and found a family, adoration, creativity, and a bit of extra cash through doing drag shows. She had a very outgoing, forceful personality that made me very silent and very unopinionated around her and when I did try to give an opinion it was usually ignored. She had a "drag-daughter" Tia, living with her who was weighing the options of transitioning, they both were from that drag world, maybe od the same attitudes and outlooks, it was just not a world I fit in to then again, back then it was easy to make me socially nervous.
Savvas and Marina 2004
The first day we hung out with Marina and Tia(she was going by her boy name at the time) I remember getting along well with Tia, we went to Robin's house party which was pretty much a weekly event full of debauchery, that night I was willingly molested by two guys and as we were getting ready to leave we could not find Savvas, as it turned out he was getting sexual revenge by having this one guy blow him till orgasm and then making the guy go kiss his girlfriend, apparently the girlfriend was responsible for the destruction of a relationship he had with some guy, all because she was jealous. Either a week or a few days later we went to Robin's again, this time it was just me, Savvas, and Tia and we bought 4 bottles of wine, after drinking all of it Tia suddenly said "Ugh, i'm sooo hot." and she ripped off her shirt(she was still physically a full boy then), mine and Savvas's eye bulged, she had a really nice chest and abs, and it was an immediate attack, Savvas had one side, I had the other and we were on this reclining chair on the porch worshiping the body. Eventually one of Savvas's friends was creating too much trouble so Sav had to take him home, me and Tia continued for many hours, was even able to go down on her without anyone else noticing. at about 4am we decided to take it further back at her place, we took it all the way in her bedroom but our drunkenness had worn off and I believe it became the worst sexual experience that either of us ever had up til that point. At least Savvas made her happy the next night, but ever since then things were not the same between me and Tia. I'd basically be at Marina's apartment every chance I could get for the rest of the year, mostly being ignored or ferrying people, but for some reason I felt some sort of comfort there
The Twins
Matt and Jeremy Craven are the twins, two close friends of Savvas who introduced me to one night when the boys needed a ride home, they were and are musicians, Matt played the guitar and J played the drums and they were better than anyone i've ever heard, they were complete opposites personality wise, Matt was an extrovert while J was an introvert and you would never see Matt without blue and J without red. They had regular parties outside of a card shop where J played Magic: The Gathering. and it was always a fun time, I only started to be close to Matt when we were at a house party at Nicks, Savvas was gone, and Matt had alcohol poisoning that night and I was the only one able to take care of him, he kept wishing Savvas was there, I slapped him saying "Well he is not here but I am, and I am all you've got right now!"
Charlottesville, VA
Savvas disappeared visiting friends in Charlottesville VA, for 4 months no one knew where he was and I was so sad without my Savvas, He finally contacted us and came down that December to move his stuff to Charlottesville with a few people to help him and so I met two very crazy Deathrock mofos by the names of Dan and Spider McNasty, both were hard parting heavy drinking people, not too long before Dan was trying to catch the trolly in C'ville, he jumped for it, missed, and hit his head on the steel on the bottom of the trolly then fell back hard, he hasnever been exactly right since.
Not long after that me, the twins, and a few others go and visit Savvas in Charlottesville, the place was amazing, so open to everybody, a huge Goth scene and everyone you could imagine, it was lively and bubbling with personality and soul, and I fell in love with the place. I visited the place for numerous years always bringing Matt along. The second time Savvas was living in a house instead of an apartment bedroom sleeping on the floor, the Meridian house, was the new official party house for the scene up there and we stayed there during most of our visits, Savvas had a fantastic gypsy like bedroom set up in the basement while his friend Steven who was and is an Abercrombie gay guy, lived on the top floor, the other bedroom was rented out usually to someone within the scene and every week we would go to the big Gothic dance night called the Dawning where Savvas worked the door. I remember one time Dan and I were drinking wine in the living room of the house and he had his arms around me yelling, "I've got my own tranny! I've got my very own tranny!! She's mine, you can't have her!!!" we ended up in Steven's room smoking weed when Dan told me to smack him, after alot of prodding to smack him as hard as I can, I do so, I was about to says "I hope you don't smack me back." I only got halfway into that line when he did so and sent me spinning then falling to the bed where I promptly passed out. When I woke up I ran to the toilet to throw up but Dan was there and sat on the toilet not allowing me, he shakes his head and tells me no then points to the bathtub, I look up at him and say "Fuck you Dan!!" then throw up in in the bathtube, it's a really terrible sensation when you got throw up going through your nose.
Only pic I can find of me at "The Dawning"
Gecko House
Back in Greensboro NC I would go almost monthly to a Gecko house party, it was a huge house with about 9 rooms, it was meant to be a college house but it was bought by someone within the scene. Those parties were wild back in the day, drunkenness, orgies, drugs, BDSM, fire dancers, topless trampoline jumpers, live bands, bagpipes, voyeurism. The owner of the place had a bar in his room and I was known as one of the fun drunks always getting into some deep conversation or dancing, each time was like an adventure. I brought Matt one time who created too much drama, it was close to blows, and even with just that much negativity it was a banable offense. I remember ending up in a room as the party was winding down and the sun was coming up I was going down on a guy i'd become friends with when Matt walked in, sat in a chair and started to have a conversation with me, the other guy was freaked out but I did not care, just kept going until Matt said he was ready to leave, I said "OK, i'm almost done!"
Philly
In respect to Sarina Valentina I will not mention the name she was going by at the time. I had been talking to Sarina for a very long time, well I ended up planning a trip. It was me, Savvas, and Matt who did not want to go at first but I had made him talk to Sarina on the phone and I was able to convince him at the last minute. When we got there Sarina came out to meet us with some guy in tow, she was wearing white fishnets, white go-go boots, an extremely short, pink mini-skirt, blonde, pink, purple, and baby blue dreads, and a white crop top with "Fuck Me!" in black letters across it, I could see why her mother was so worried about her going out at night especially since she lived in a not so nice part of town. I remember all of us being stunned by her and Savvas saying "I do not care if you're straight, gay, or whatever, if you don't want to fuck her then something is wrong with you." and this was before she had any surgeries, she was like 17 at the time, anyway she was just as cool in person as she was over the phone, but I felt very inadequate and insecure next to her so I ended up saying little and I ended up really questioning myself, despite what came before in this post I was still not secure in my person and back then, no matter what others said to me, no matter how cool my mother got cause she knew I was passing, I still did not believe it and it was that last thought that made me realize how silly I was being by the end of the visit. My plan up there was to have Sarina and Matt hook up, I knew she would find Matt majorly hot, but there was another guy up there that was constantly vying for her attention. In her mother's paranoia she did not allow us to stay there so the interested guy said that we all could stay at his parents place.
That night Sarina was in bed with the guy and they fooling around, somehow she manipulated the guy to carry her out to the living room where Matt was sleeping then biting the guy making her fall on top of Matt where she stayed for the rest of the night. The next day that guy was absolutely paranoid, he was determined to be near us the entire time but Sarina and I somehow convinced him to take an estrogen pill, soon enough he got tired and decided to go to bed, he knew we were leaving but wanted to meet us in the city. We went to the city to meet up with Hatter, who I had gotten to know as well. Hatter was the one who helped Sarina on the way to transition, said she had to think about it at first cause she knew how beautiful Sarina would be and she was a bit jealous of that. Hatter was a 19 year old fucking awesomely crazy trans girl punk lesbian, she was a punk rock singer and bassist for her band "The New Minority", oh and she had hormonal double Ds. I remember we were all walking down the street, Sarina and Matt were holding hands, and she was constantly trying to get that short skirt to cover her butt when some guy called to Matt "You let your girl dress like that?" and Matt responds, "Least I know she'll be in my bed tonight."
We stayed at Hatter's place that night, she did not like the fact we were meat eaters and I think she was expecting me to be into music more than I was at the time. Matt and Sarina had sex that night and they were inseparable, and we had a nice day up in New Hope. We decided to go see "Land of the Dead" that night where the guy showed up again complaining that that pill kept him asleep the rest of the day and all night. Sarina's mother agreed to let us stay finally and between there and the theater Matt rode in the trunk of whichever car Sarina was in, he had to do so cause there was no room. The guy took his own car and was delayed which gave Matt and Sarina a good bit of alone time while Savvas and I sat in the living room talking to Sarina's mother, the Guy came in and realized what was going on went outside, punched a telephone poll and left, Matt said that the guy was not man enough to go after what he wanted. the next day noone got up until noon and we had to wait 3 hours for Sarina to do her make-up.making.
Me and Sarina, from a bit later
Boyfriends
I had gotten a Hungarian boyfriend with a lovely accent, I have no idea why I dated him, I just wanted a boyfriend so bad, a friend of his and Savvas told me that him and I broke up cause we had nothing in common and that is true but what she did not know was that he wanted me as a side thing, he wanted someone that would be OK with him messing around, thought i'd be ok with that but I was not.
Between 05-08 2005 I was the best me, I had gotten to be pretty confident I also seemed to have a happy-go-luckyness about me, I was loving life like never before
Marina, Crystal, and me
then I met a guy online who for the life of me, I cannot figure out why I ever fell for him, I think I was just really desperate, I had signed up for numerous dating sites and one was primarily a gay site but they had a trans section and I know that he impressed me online but when I met him in person there was, nothing really, but as it turned out he was a master manipulater and did not care who he hurt to get what he wanted and I ended up moving in with him to Concord NC near Charlotte..
I am starting to think I should write a book lol well, i'll be posting more tomorrow possibly.
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