"Little Gothic"

Continuing my history I strongly suggest reading my previous posts "Winter" and "Why Dont you See Me."

Warning: Explicit Content!

Going Goth

I was not what most people would call a typical teenager, I did not do all those things that teenagers were supposed to do, sure I hung out with other outcasts, most of whom were really into metal music, and music was basically one of the very few things that connected the outcasts in school, I was such a big fan of Rob Zombie that I knew every lyric of every album he was ever involved in, other than that I cannot remember anything I really had in common with the other outcasts other than a ghost hunt we went on just to scare our-selfs because small town Lexington NC was so boring for kids like us. Lets see, there was me, Julie, my ex gf Amanda, and for the life of me I cannot remember this guy's name even though I have more memories of him than anyone else during that time, I know he was a very interesting study, back in the day I was a bully of my own faults and insecurities, knowing this allowed me to stop when I was still a little child, but he was a bully due to his terrible parents, home life and extremely low economic surroundings who changed his tune towards someone when one became interested in figuring him out, that was all he wanted, someone who cared. I hung out with the geeky/nerdy contingent, who oddly enough seemed to rule the school since many of them were also athletes, we would form a lan party every few months, I remember one of them constantly wearing pink before it was cool for guys to do so, but he also had long blonde curly hair, about 5'4 and did things that girls would do, he'd say that he was making a statement, but I saw something different, a few years later I got him to come to a Goth night, Savvas did the kid's make-up and because of how the kid acted Savvas was certain that he must be trans, many years after that I was hanging out with a former friend, said he went to a get to-gather with that crowed where I was a main topic where that kid could not stop making fun of me, I told my former friend about that night when Savvas did the kid's make-up, my former friend said that it explains alot about the kid, some days I briefly wonder if that kid made the leap to transition.

Sometimes i'd hang out with metal head Rob and his contingent, and I started working the sound for their band at Dizzy Gs in Greensboro at their new metal night, where I learned that the place also had a Goth night, and sadly before I could go the place closed down. None of the people I knew then knew what Goth music was, but we had a CD stealing scheme at this one store(I wish I never did that) which is where I got a little taste through the Sisters of Mercy, Floodland album. I was already into what most consider to be industrial, I was very quickly becoming a KMFDM fanatic through my brother who at the time was working at a radio station and brought home many free CDs. from there I got into the dark electronic side of Goth through Cleopatra and Metropolis compilations that they used to sell at Hot Topic

When I started to go to college, I started seeing this tall skinny guy dressed in black who grabed my interest, so I ended up approaching him, his name was Adam who was a piano prodigy, we got on well during that time, he introduced me to more music and told me that I must meet someone named Savvas, but before that could happen we had some sort of falling out that I cannot remember.

SavVas

Not to long after Adam I found myself going to a Goth dating site, I checked out the GLBT section for NC and there were only two people, Ron and Savvas, Savvas seemed like the more sane and interesting one so I ended up contacting him, Sadly he was moving to LA California with his friend Steven. Well he ended up hating LA and moved back to NC after 3 months. I working for the shop where my brother was piercing at the time when I learned of a new Goth club in Winston-Salem so I figured i'd invite Savvas, I went to pick him up after work, I wore this really cool long gothic skirt and this black with purple stitching tight hoodie that detached at the sleeves(I still have the skirt) but once I saw Savvas I thought "If he can go out in public like that, then what the fuck am I afraid of?"

SavVas 5-21-2004

Everyone in the Goth scene knew who Savvas was between Raleigh and Charlotte, he was a very positive person, someone who could be "Your best boy friend or your best girl friend" He made sure to introduce me to the right people, he knew exactly how to get me to start talking and, for once I felt like I belonged, everyone he introduced me to were so nice and polite I could not believe it, I had nothing but fun that night, after the club we had an after party at the pagan house where I learned what kind of drunk I am(the fun kind) and I poured ice on Mac who had just received a whipping BDSM style from a small cat o nine tails and Savvas's love/hate paddle.

Each time I got bolder in my look until I looked just as out there as Savvas only in my own style and the entire spring, summer, and fall was filled with nothing but clubs, partying, sex and drinking, and a certain smell in my car after Savvas puked in it one night that always reminded me of Concrete Blonde. I was 20.

In those support group meetings that I went to, I was the youngest, no one had started transitioning as young as me, with the fact that they were a very political group, it made me alone, all I had at the time was talking to Sarina on the phone but she lived in Philly. So when Savvas told me that he knew someone who had started transitioning around my age I was excited, I really wanted to meet her! but he was not so excited about the prospect and delayed introducing me to her for as long as he could.

Marina

Eventually Savvas introduced me to Marina who was kicked out of her parents because she refused to change her feminine ways. She was forced to survive by being an escort and found a family, adoration, creativity, and a bit of extra cash through doing drag shows. She had a very outgoing, forceful personality that made me very silent and very unopinionated around her and when I did try to give an opinion it was usually ignored. She had a "drag-daughter" Tia, living with her who was weighing the options of transitioning, they both were from that drag world, maybe od the same attitudes and outlooks, it was just not a world I fit in to then again, back then it was easy to make me socially nervous.

Savvas and Marina 2004

The first day we hung out with Marina and Tia(she was going by her boy name at the time) I remember getting along well with Tia, we went to Robin's house party which was pretty much a weekly event full of debauchery, that night I was willingly molested by two guys and as we were getting ready to leave we could not find Savvas, as it turned out he was getting sexual revenge by having this one guy blow him till orgasm and then making the guy go kiss his girlfriend, apparently the girlfriend was responsible for the destruction of a relationship he had with some guy, all because she was jealous. Either a week or a few days later we went to Robin's again, this time it was just me, Savvas, and Tia and we bought 4 bottles of wine, after drinking all of it Tia suddenly said "Ugh, i'm sooo hot." and she ripped off her shirt(she was still physically a full boy then), mine and Savvas's eye bulged, she had a really nice chest and abs, and it was an immediate attack, Savvas had one side, I had the other and we were on this reclining chair on the porch worshiping the body. Eventually one of Savvas's friends was creating too much trouble so Sav had to take him home, me and Tia continued for many hours, was even able to go down on her without anyone else noticing. at about 4am we decided to take it further back at her place, we took it all the way in her bedroom but our drunkenness had worn off and I believe it became the worst sexual experience that either of us ever had up til that point. At least Savvas made her happy the next night, but ever since then things were not the same between me and Tia. I'd basically be at Marina's apartment every chance I could get for the rest of the year, mostly being ignored or ferrying people, but for some reason I felt some sort of comfort there

The Twins

Matt and Jeremy Craven are the twins, two close friends of Savvas who introduced me to one night when the boys needed a ride home, they were and are musicians, Matt played the guitar and J played the drums and they were better than anyone i've ever heard, they were complete opposites personality wise, Matt was an extrovert while J was an introvert and you would never see Matt without blue and J without red. They had regular parties outside of a card shop where J played Magic: The Gathering. and it was always a fun time, I only started to be close to Matt when we were at a house party at Nicks, Savvas was gone, and Matt had alcohol poisoning that night and I was the only one able to take care of him, he kept wishing Savvas was there, I slapped him saying "Well he is not here but I am, and I am all you've got right now!"

Charlottesville, VA 

 Savvas disappeared visiting friends in Charlottesville VA, for 4 months no one knew where he was and I was so sad without my Savvas, He finally contacted us and came down that December to move his stuff to Charlottesville with a few people to help him and so I met two very crazy Deathrock mofos by the names of Dan and Spider McNasty, both were hard parting heavy drinking people, not too long before Dan was trying to catch the trolly in C'ville, he jumped for it, missed, and hit his head on the steel on the bottom of the trolly then fell back hard, he hasnever been exactly right since.

Not long after that me, the twins, and a few others go and visit Savvas in Charlottesville, the place was amazing, so open to everybody, a huge Goth scene and everyone you could imagine, it was lively and bubbling with personality and soul, and I fell in love with the place. I visited the place for numerous years always bringing Matt along. The second time Savvas was living in a house instead of an apartment bedroom sleeping on the floor, the Meridian house, was the new official party house for the scene up there and we stayed there during most of our visits, Savvas had a fantastic gypsy like bedroom set up in the basement while his friend Steven who was and is an Abercrombie gay guy, lived on the top floor, the other bedroom was rented out usually to someone within the scene and every week we would go to the big Gothic dance night called the Dawning where Savvas worked the door. I remember one time Dan and I were drinking wine in the living room of the house and he had his arms around me yelling, "I've got my own tranny! I've got my very own tranny!! She's mine, you can't have her!!!" we ended up in Steven's room smoking weed when Dan told me to smack him, after alot of prodding to smack him as hard as I can, I do so, I was about to says "I hope you don't smack me back." I only got halfway into that line when he did so and sent me spinning then falling to the bed where I promptly passed out. When I woke up I ran to the toilet to throw up but Dan was there and sat on the toilet not allowing me, he shakes his head and tells me no then points to the bathtub, I look up at him and say "Fuck you Dan!!" then throw up in in the bathtube, it's a really terrible sensation when you got throw up going through your nose.

Only pic I can find of me at "The Dawning"

Gecko House

Back in Greensboro NC I would go almost monthly to a Gecko house party, it was a huge house with about 9 rooms, it was meant to be a college house but it was bought by someone within the scene. Those parties were wild back in the day, drunkenness, orgies, drugs, BDSM, fire dancers, topless trampoline jumpers, live bands, bagpipes, voyeurism. The owner of the place had a bar in his room and I was known as one of the fun drunks always getting into some deep conversation or dancing, each time was like an adventure. I brought Matt one time who created too much drama, it was close to blows, and even with just that much negativity it was a banable offense. I remember ending up in a room as the party was winding down and the sun was coming up I was going down on a guy i'd become friends with when Matt walked in, sat in a chair and started to have a conversation with me, the other guy was freaked out but I did not care, just kept going until Matt said he was ready to leave, I said "OK, i'm almost done!"

Philly

In respect to Sarina Valentina I will not mention the name she was going by at the time. I had been talking to Sarina for a very long time, well I ended up planning a trip. It was me, Savvas, and Matt who did not want to go at first but I had made him talk to Sarina on the phone and I was able to convince him at the last minute. When we got there Sarina came out to meet us with some guy in tow, she was wearing white fishnets, white go-go boots, an extremely short, pink mini-skirt, blonde, pink, purple, and baby blue dreads, and a white crop top with "Fuck Me!" in black letters across it, I could see why her mother was so worried about her going out at night especially since she lived in a not so nice part of town. I remember all of us being stunned by her and Savvas saying "I do not care if you're straight, gay, or whatever, if you don't want to fuck her then something is wrong with you." and this was before she had any surgeries, she was like 17 at the time, anyway she was just as cool in person as she was over the phone, but I felt very inadequate and insecure next to her so I ended up saying little and I ended up really questioning myself, despite what came before in this post I was still not secure in my person and back then, no matter what others said to me, no matter how cool my mother got cause she knew I was passing, I still did not believe it and it was that last thought that made me realize how silly I was being by the end of the visit. My plan up there was to have Sarina and Matt hook up, I knew she would find Matt majorly hot, but there was another guy up there that was constantly vying for her attention. In her mother's paranoia she did not allow us to stay there so the interested guy said that we all could stay at his parents place.

That night Sarina was in bed with the guy and they fooling around, somehow she manipulated the guy to carry her out to the living room where Matt was sleeping then biting the guy making her fall on top of Matt where she stayed for the rest of the night. The next day that guy was absolutely paranoid, he was determined to be near us the entire time but Sarina and I somehow convinced him to take an estrogen pill, soon enough he got tired and decided to go to bed, he knew we were leaving but wanted to meet us in the city. We went to the city to meet up with Hatter, who I had gotten to know as well. Hatter was the one who helped Sarina on the way to transition, said she had to think about it at first cause she knew how beautiful Sarina would be and she was a bit jealous of that. Hatter was a 19 year old fucking awesomely crazy trans girl punk lesbian, she was a punk rock singer and bassist for her band "The New Minority", oh and she had hormonal double Ds. I remember we were all walking down the street, Sarina and Matt were holding hands, and she was constantly trying to get that short skirt to cover her butt when some guy called to Matt "You let your girl dress like that?" and Matt responds, "Least I know she'll be in my bed tonight."

We stayed at Hatter's place that night, she did not like the fact we were meat eaters and I think she was expecting me to be into music more than I was at the time. Matt and Sarina had sex that night and they were inseparable, and we had a nice day up in New Hope. We decided to go see "Land of the Dead" that night where the guy showed up again complaining that that pill kept him asleep the rest of the day and all night. Sarina's mother agreed to let us stay finally and between there and the theater Matt rode in the trunk of whichever car Sarina was in, he had to do so cause there was no room. The guy took his own car and was delayed which gave Matt and Sarina a good bit of alone time while Savvas and I sat in the living room talking to Sarina's mother, the Guy came in and realized what was going on went outside, punched a telephone poll and left, Matt said that the guy was not man enough to go after what he wanted. the next day noone got up until noon and we had to wait 3 hours for Sarina to do her make-up.making.

Me and Sarina, from a bit later

Boyfriends

I had gotten a Hungarian boyfriend with a lovely accent, I have no idea why I dated him, I just wanted a boyfriend so bad, a friend of his and Savvas told me that him and I broke up cause we had nothing in common and that is true but what she did not know was that he wanted me as a side thing, he wanted someone that would be OK with him messing around, thought i'd be ok with that but I was not.

Between 05-08 2005 I was the best me, I had gotten to be pretty confident I also seemed to have a happy-go-luckyness about me, I was loving life like never before 

Marina, Crystal, and me

then I met a guy online who for the life of me, I cannot figure out why I ever fell for him, I think I was just really desperate, I had signed up for numerous dating sites and one was primarily a gay site but they had a trans section and I know that he impressed me online but when I met him in person there was, nothing really, but as it turned out he was a master manipulater and did not care who he hurt to get what he wanted and I ended up moving in with him to Concord NC near Charlotte..

I am starting to think I should write a book lol well, i'll be posting more tomorrow possibly.

"Why Don't You See Me"

This entry focuses  my transsexualism and I strongly suggest reading the previous blog post "Winter"

Keeping it Underneath

I spent alot of time drawing and making comics about the made up worlds I often escaped to, this was still a way to forget about asking myself questions that I should have been asking. You see, the major problem I had after I had my surgery is that I did not know what I saw myself as, I found it so very confusing and distressing when I entertained the thought of what I would look like wearing my mother's old clothes and then found myself posing in-front of a mirror, I knew everyone wanted me to be a boy I did not know what I was, I remember when I was really young wanting certain things that were supposed to be for girls and the n feeling very shameful for those thoughts cause I thought it was not normal. Same thing when I posed in-front of that mirror, the same every other time I posed in-front of a mirror, the shame tripled when I hit puberty a slight breeze could turn me on ,I hated it, I beat myself up over the feelings I had, I did not want this.

Getting a Clue

I could not play with the girls, did not have the semblance of guts to voice what I wanted so I got into reading and playing X-Men with the boys insisting that I play Rouge I really liked Gambit too, thought he was hot. I got really into video games and spent a good deal of my time with that. One day, some exploitive talk show was on and they had someone on there who was a transsexual and it clicked for me, I immediately began researching, but even though what was said felt right to me I did not want it to be true, I was hoping that I was a transvestite or something, it was very easy to test this since I spent most of my time outside of myself and came to the conclusion that the clothes did not turn me on, still, I did not want to be TS so I turned to paganism in hopes of making it go away, it did not work, I just grew more angry and had myself a little melt down out in the woods.

Coming Out

I was always so overwhelmingly afraid that someone would find out my secret. I had so many nightmares of some shadow demon exposing me. Once, when I was 9 or 10, my brother caught me trying on some of my mother's clothes, I was absolutely mortified  butt he promised not to tell anyone, much later I found out with him being a chronic lier that he told my mother , she decided it was some sort of phase apparently.
Luckily after my little meltdown I acknowledged that nothing could be done to get rid of it, besides it felt right, the only times in my young life when I felt inside myself, but I had no idea what to do about it. I found a private Yahoo group for trans teens where I made a few internet friends and got alot of info, but my fear did not allow me to come out to my parents about it, puberty did not get me to come out, it is a good thing that the thought of suicide is something I cannot stand and thinking about it so strongly and thinking about how I could do it, how easy it would be, and asking questions like "If I can't be me then why not?" this pushed me to meekly come out to my parents, my mother thought I was going to tell her that i'm gay so it did not go over well, unlike many others I am lucky that after all the yelling and arguing they said that they love me and would not kick me out, that was when I was 16.

Perfect Timing!

My parents sent me to a therapist, each one with no knowledge of what I was going through and none of them wanted to talk about my gender identity at all wasting my time at a time when I thought I had no time to waste at all. I originally told my parents  right after my grandfather had died, I had the worst timing, then my grandmother was starting to follow him, I love my mother and out of pity I did not mention anything gender wise for about a year until the suicidal thoughts crept back and I told her again when my grandmother was on her deathbed dying of lung cancer just like my grandfather. I know! PERFECT TIMING! Well after visiting a therapist who tired feeding me anti-depressants and then another useless therapist every week for 6 or so months I insist on making a serious attempt to find someone who knows something, sure enough we found a social worker who knew a thing or two, and I felt like she was someone I could talk to, but after a few visits she brought my parents in there and explained to them what was going on, which elevated my parent's understanding then she said that she could only do so much, that sadly she did not know of a therapist or psychologist who knew something about gender identity but she knew of a good support group about an hour away. Even though my parents came away with a greater understanding it did not stop me and my mother from getting into an argument every time we opened our mouths.

Group

I started talking to the woman who ran these meetings found out that they were having a pool party and I decided to go, I was so very nervous that I did not really ask any questions and if I did I cannot remember, they did not think I would be back, guess I looked scared indeed. When I came to the meeting it was larger than I expected, and I remained silent, but something I remember very clearly was a transsexual named Blythe, who was/is a beauty and I thought that I would never look as good as her, during the next meeting I got the confidence to ask where they go for therapy how they get their hormones, they said that there was a psychologist across the street who deals with most of them, well what do you know.

Early Relationships

During this time I had my first real boyfriend, before hand I would pick of the guys I liked, but only between me and him, I think the first one got the wrong idea, indeed I was harsher and I had not reached that soft playfulness with it that i'd later have. Next I started sleep with a neighborhood boy when I was about 14, he had a pretty hot body and was the first person I went all the way with and he was the first person who knew I was trans. Not too long after I started dating the on girl who I would call Goth in my high school, she was me for all intents and purposes except she was not the cuddling type, when she wanted to go all the way with me I just could not do it, it did not feel right to me so we broke up, I would later come out to her and we were friends for a short time before a good ole country boy started dating her and threatened to beat me up. I dated a rich girl after her but while we got on well I would not have sex with her and I lied to her about wanting to get back with my previous girlfriend. I found out that many of the girls in my high school thought that I had that dark, mysterious, "no one knows nothing about him" thing going on. Back to that time, I had met this guy online, he was tall with long blonde hair which I was so into being a fan of the Highlander series way back when. I had to drive 4 hours to see him, I did not dress up girly or anything, I did not think I had anything good enoguh to wear, so I just went in my boys clothes, I was very late, I am terrible with directions, I missed the diner we were supposed to have but eventually found my way. He wore tight blue jeans, black boot, a white t-shirt, a man corset, and a leather motorcycle jacket, I was nervous but swooning, and despite how I dressed he treated me right and we headed towards my first Goth club experience where I sat on a desk the entire night holding on for dear life due to my social anxiety at the time, still everyone was nice and respectful towards me and left a good impression, in the end his involvment in BDSM freaked me out too much at the time so I ended it.

Finally!

As soon as I was able I went to see the psychologist across the road, I immediately liked her, she had a way of talking that made you comfortable and willing to talk about anything, she went right past the wall, and determined that two months was enough for me instead of the standard 3 months of therapy before being prescribed hormones. heh, I remember I was in the waiting room one time and a little girl with her mother were there and the little girl pointed to me and said "Mama, she's pretty" that made me feel really great. I had to go see a doctor first and I did not like him one bit, it's funny that the first time he took my blood I passed out and fell on the floor, I came to as they were lifting me up, I had forgoten where I was for a few seconds, I just knew people were grabbing me so I started punching wildly hittign him in the face. The first time I went to pick up my hormones I thought that this might be a dream, I was so happy even though I fell asleep alot....

Tomorrow i'll keep going with this journey, including key figures in my life and the Goth scene.

"Illusion"

Yesterday I was walking around NYC in the village trying to see if my feelings about the city could change for the positive in 90 degree weather. I did indeed feel very good and much more relaxed unlike most of  my visits to the city. A friend was with me and he wanted to introduce me to a new restaurant knowing how much I like traditional foods, sadly the restaurant had closed, not surprising I suppose knowing how hard it is to keep a restaurant operational. So he treated me to a delicious gourmet donut where we had a conversation about how people dress and what that says about them especially my my ex who would wear sweatpants to an opera and what doing such things truly says about him. Afterwards I insisted on going to "Big Gay Ice cream"  across the street where I introduced my friend to who Bailey Jay is (I got interested in what she has to say through her "Sugar & Spice" podcast with Jen Richards it was my #1 podcast!) Told him that i'd like to meet her but I do not think i'd want to hang out with her, my friend gave me an odd look so I started explaining....
i've been friends with Sarina Valentina since we both started transitioning over 10 years ago but even though we were great friends over the phone, every time I visited i'd feel very inadequate, How I acted over the phone ended up not being the same in person,  That was me in the past when I had very low self-esteem and little self worth, would I feel so inadequate today being much more secure in my person, or maybe it has something to do with the profession? So I started to think how my insecurities have changed, I am much more guarded today, why? I have an idea.... but i'll talk about that another time for the sake of not making this too long. Is this inadequacy only on the surface or deeper? Sure I have not known any woman who has not felt inadequate in some way, I feel this even today when passing some people on the street, so at what point does the feeling overwhelm? Sure, media plays into it alot but now I believe that it is ingrained and how much depends on the person and that no one is completely exempt.

My physical insecurities affected my mental insecurities when I was younger and it stems from many things in my past. I believe the many insecurities I have today are more invisible unlike the many insecurities I had when I was younger so it seems that I swapped my insecurities... or, maybe they just matured and I am sure many other's feel the same.

"Sugar & Spice" with Bailey Jay & Jen Richards  (The latest one talking alot about what I am trying to get through on this post)