"Little Gothic"

Continuing my history I strongly suggest reading my previous posts "Winter" and "Why Dont you See Me."

Warning: Explicit Content!

Going Goth

I was not what most people would call a typical teenager, I did not do all those things that teenagers were supposed to do, sure I hung out with other outcasts, most of whom were really into metal music, and music was basically one of the very few things that connected the outcasts in school, I was such a big fan of Rob Zombie that I knew every lyric of every album he was ever involved in, other than that I cannot remember anything I really had in common with the other outcasts other than a ghost hunt we went on just to scare our-selfs because small town Lexington NC was so boring for kids like us. Lets see, there was me, Julie, my ex gf Amanda, and for the life of me I cannot remember this guy's name even though I have more memories of him than anyone else during that time, I know he was a very interesting study, back in the day I was a bully of my own faults and insecurities, knowing this allowed me to stop when I was still a little child, but he was a bully due to his terrible parents, home life and extremely low economic surroundings who changed his tune towards someone when one became interested in figuring him out, that was all he wanted, someone who cared. I hung out with the geeky/nerdy contingent, who oddly enough seemed to rule the school since many of them were also athletes, we would form a lan party every few months, I remember one of them constantly wearing pink before it was cool for guys to do so, but he also had long blonde curly hair, about 5'4 and did things that girls would do, he'd say that he was making a statement, but I saw something different, a few years later I got him to come to a Goth night, Savvas did the kid's make-up and because of how the kid acted Savvas was certain that he must be trans, many years after that I was hanging out with a former friend, said he went to a get to-gather with that crowed where I was a main topic where that kid could not stop making fun of me, I told my former friend about that night when Savvas did the kid's make-up, my former friend said that it explains alot about the kid, some days I briefly wonder if that kid made the leap to transition.

Sometimes i'd hang out with metal head Rob and his contingent, and I started working the sound for their band at Dizzy Gs in Greensboro at their new metal night, where I learned that the place also had a Goth night, and sadly before I could go the place closed down. None of the people I knew then knew what Goth music was, but we had a CD stealing scheme at this one store(I wish I never did that) which is where I got a little taste through the Sisters of Mercy, Floodland album. I was already into what most consider to be industrial, I was very quickly becoming a KMFDM fanatic through my brother who at the time was working at a radio station and brought home many free CDs. from there I got into the dark electronic side of Goth through Cleopatra and Metropolis compilations that they used to sell at Hot Topic

When I started to go to college, I started seeing this tall skinny guy dressed in black who grabed my interest, so I ended up approaching him, his name was Adam who was a piano prodigy, we got on well during that time, he introduced me to more music and told me that I must meet someone named Savvas, but before that could happen we had some sort of falling out that I cannot remember.

SavVas

Not to long after Adam I found myself going to a Goth dating site, I checked out the GLBT section for NC and there were only two people, Ron and Savvas, Savvas seemed like the more sane and interesting one so I ended up contacting him, Sadly he was moving to LA California with his friend Steven. Well he ended up hating LA and moved back to NC after 3 months. I working for the shop where my brother was piercing at the time when I learned of a new Goth club in Winston-Salem so I figured i'd invite Savvas, I went to pick him up after work, I wore this really cool long gothic skirt and this black with purple stitching tight hoodie that detached at the sleeves(I still have the skirt) but once I saw Savvas I thought "If he can go out in public like that, then what the fuck am I afraid of?"

SavVas 5-21-2004

Everyone in the Goth scene knew who Savvas was between Raleigh and Charlotte, he was a very positive person, someone who could be "Your best boy friend or your best girl friend" He made sure to introduce me to the right people, he knew exactly how to get me to start talking and, for once I felt like I belonged, everyone he introduced me to were so nice and polite I could not believe it, I had nothing but fun that night, after the club we had an after party at the pagan house where I learned what kind of drunk I am(the fun kind) and I poured ice on Mac who had just received a whipping BDSM style from a small cat o nine tails and Savvas's love/hate paddle.

Each time I got bolder in my look until I looked just as out there as Savvas only in my own style and the entire spring, summer, and fall was filled with nothing but clubs, partying, sex and drinking, and a certain smell in my car after Savvas puked in it one night that always reminded me of Concrete Blonde. I was 20.

In those support group meetings that I went to, I was the youngest, no one had started transitioning as young as me, with the fact that they were a very political group, it made me alone, all I had at the time was talking to Sarina on the phone but she lived in Philly. So when Savvas told me that he knew someone who had started transitioning around my age I was excited, I really wanted to meet her! but he was not so excited about the prospect and delayed introducing me to her for as long as he could.

Marina

Eventually Savvas introduced me to Marina who was kicked out of her parents because she refused to change her feminine ways. She was forced to survive by being an escort and found a family, adoration, creativity, and a bit of extra cash through doing drag shows. She had a very outgoing, forceful personality that made me very silent and very unopinionated around her and when I did try to give an opinion it was usually ignored. She had a "drag-daughter" Tia, living with her who was weighing the options of transitioning, they both were from that drag world, maybe od the same attitudes and outlooks, it was just not a world I fit in to then again, back then it was easy to make me socially nervous.

Savvas and Marina 2004

The first day we hung out with Marina and Tia(she was going by her boy name at the time) I remember getting along well with Tia, we went to Robin's house party which was pretty much a weekly event full of debauchery, that night I was willingly molested by two guys and as we were getting ready to leave we could not find Savvas, as it turned out he was getting sexual revenge by having this one guy blow him till orgasm and then making the guy go kiss his girlfriend, apparently the girlfriend was responsible for the destruction of a relationship he had with some guy, all because she was jealous. Either a week or a few days later we went to Robin's again, this time it was just me, Savvas, and Tia and we bought 4 bottles of wine, after drinking all of it Tia suddenly said "Ugh, i'm sooo hot." and she ripped off her shirt(she was still physically a full boy then), mine and Savvas's eye bulged, she had a really nice chest and abs, and it was an immediate attack, Savvas had one side, I had the other and we were on this reclining chair on the porch worshiping the body. Eventually one of Savvas's friends was creating too much trouble so Sav had to take him home, me and Tia continued for many hours, was even able to go down on her without anyone else noticing. at about 4am we decided to take it further back at her place, we took it all the way in her bedroom but our drunkenness had worn off and I believe it became the worst sexual experience that either of us ever had up til that point. At least Savvas made her happy the next night, but ever since then things were not the same between me and Tia. I'd basically be at Marina's apartment every chance I could get for the rest of the year, mostly being ignored or ferrying people, but for some reason I felt some sort of comfort there

The Twins

Matt and Jeremy Craven are the twins, two close friends of Savvas who introduced me to one night when the boys needed a ride home, they were and are musicians, Matt played the guitar and J played the drums and they were better than anyone i've ever heard, they were complete opposites personality wise, Matt was an extrovert while J was an introvert and you would never see Matt without blue and J without red. They had regular parties outside of a card shop where J played Magic: The Gathering. and it was always a fun time, I only started to be close to Matt when we were at a house party at Nicks, Savvas was gone, and Matt had alcohol poisoning that night and I was the only one able to take care of him, he kept wishing Savvas was there, I slapped him saying "Well he is not here but I am, and I am all you've got right now!"

Charlottesville, VA 

 Savvas disappeared visiting friends in Charlottesville VA, for 4 months no one knew where he was and I was so sad without my Savvas, He finally contacted us and came down that December to move his stuff to Charlottesville with a few people to help him and so I met two very crazy Deathrock mofos by the names of Dan and Spider McNasty, both were hard parting heavy drinking people, not too long before Dan was trying to catch the trolly in C'ville, he jumped for it, missed, and hit his head on the steel on the bottom of the trolly then fell back hard, he hasnever been exactly right since.

Not long after that me, the twins, and a few others go and visit Savvas in Charlottesville, the place was amazing, so open to everybody, a huge Goth scene and everyone you could imagine, it was lively and bubbling with personality and soul, and I fell in love with the place. I visited the place for numerous years always bringing Matt along. The second time Savvas was living in a house instead of an apartment bedroom sleeping on the floor, the Meridian house, was the new official party house for the scene up there and we stayed there during most of our visits, Savvas had a fantastic gypsy like bedroom set up in the basement while his friend Steven who was and is an Abercrombie gay guy, lived on the top floor, the other bedroom was rented out usually to someone within the scene and every week we would go to the big Gothic dance night called the Dawning where Savvas worked the door. I remember one time Dan and I were drinking wine in the living room of the house and he had his arms around me yelling, "I've got my own tranny! I've got my very own tranny!! She's mine, you can't have her!!!" we ended up in Steven's room smoking weed when Dan told me to smack him, after alot of prodding to smack him as hard as I can, I do so, I was about to says "I hope you don't smack me back." I only got halfway into that line when he did so and sent me spinning then falling to the bed where I promptly passed out. When I woke up I ran to the toilet to throw up but Dan was there and sat on the toilet not allowing me, he shakes his head and tells me no then points to the bathtub, I look up at him and say "Fuck you Dan!!" then throw up in in the bathtube, it's a really terrible sensation when you got throw up going through your nose.

Only pic I can find of me at "The Dawning"

Gecko House

Back in Greensboro NC I would go almost monthly to a Gecko house party, it was a huge house with about 9 rooms, it was meant to be a college house but it was bought by someone within the scene. Those parties were wild back in the day, drunkenness, orgies, drugs, BDSM, fire dancers, topless trampoline jumpers, live bands, bagpipes, voyeurism. The owner of the place had a bar in his room and I was known as one of the fun drunks always getting into some deep conversation or dancing, each time was like an adventure. I brought Matt one time who created too much drama, it was close to blows, and even with just that much negativity it was a banable offense. I remember ending up in a room as the party was winding down and the sun was coming up I was going down on a guy i'd become friends with when Matt walked in, sat in a chair and started to have a conversation with me, the other guy was freaked out but I did not care, just kept going until Matt said he was ready to leave, I said "OK, i'm almost done!"

Philly

In respect to Sarina Valentina I will not mention the name she was going by at the time. I had been talking to Sarina for a very long time, well I ended up planning a trip. It was me, Savvas, and Matt who did not want to go at first but I had made him talk to Sarina on the phone and I was able to convince him at the last minute. When we got there Sarina came out to meet us with some guy in tow, she was wearing white fishnets, white go-go boots, an extremely short, pink mini-skirt, blonde, pink, purple, and baby blue dreads, and a white crop top with "Fuck Me!" in black letters across it, I could see why her mother was so worried about her going out at night especially since she lived in a not so nice part of town. I remember all of us being stunned by her and Savvas saying "I do not care if you're straight, gay, or whatever, if you don't want to fuck her then something is wrong with you." and this was before she had any surgeries, she was like 17 at the time, anyway she was just as cool in person as she was over the phone, but I felt very inadequate and insecure next to her so I ended up saying little and I ended up really questioning myself, despite what came before in this post I was still not secure in my person and back then, no matter what others said to me, no matter how cool my mother got cause she knew I was passing, I still did not believe it and it was that last thought that made me realize how silly I was being by the end of the visit. My plan up there was to have Sarina and Matt hook up, I knew she would find Matt majorly hot, but there was another guy up there that was constantly vying for her attention. In her mother's paranoia she did not allow us to stay there so the interested guy said that we all could stay at his parents place.

That night Sarina was in bed with the guy and they fooling around, somehow she manipulated the guy to carry her out to the living room where Matt was sleeping then biting the guy making her fall on top of Matt where she stayed for the rest of the night. The next day that guy was absolutely paranoid, he was determined to be near us the entire time but Sarina and I somehow convinced him to take an estrogen pill, soon enough he got tired and decided to go to bed, he knew we were leaving but wanted to meet us in the city. We went to the city to meet up with Hatter, who I had gotten to know as well. Hatter was the one who helped Sarina on the way to transition, said she had to think about it at first cause she knew how beautiful Sarina would be and she was a bit jealous of that. Hatter was a 19 year old fucking awesomely crazy trans girl punk lesbian, she was a punk rock singer and bassist for her band "The New Minority", oh and she had hormonal double Ds. I remember we were all walking down the street, Sarina and Matt were holding hands, and she was constantly trying to get that short skirt to cover her butt when some guy called to Matt "You let your girl dress like that?" and Matt responds, "Least I know she'll be in my bed tonight."

We stayed at Hatter's place that night, she did not like the fact we were meat eaters and I think she was expecting me to be into music more than I was at the time. Matt and Sarina had sex that night and they were inseparable, and we had a nice day up in New Hope. We decided to go see "Land of the Dead" that night where the guy showed up again complaining that that pill kept him asleep the rest of the day and all night. Sarina's mother agreed to let us stay finally and between there and the theater Matt rode in the trunk of whichever car Sarina was in, he had to do so cause there was no room. The guy took his own car and was delayed which gave Matt and Sarina a good bit of alone time while Savvas and I sat in the living room talking to Sarina's mother, the Guy came in and realized what was going on went outside, punched a telephone poll and left, Matt said that the guy was not man enough to go after what he wanted. the next day noone got up until noon and we had to wait 3 hours for Sarina to do her make-up.making.

Me and Sarina, from a bit later

Boyfriends

I had gotten a Hungarian boyfriend with a lovely accent, I have no idea why I dated him, I just wanted a boyfriend so bad, a friend of his and Savvas told me that him and I broke up cause we had nothing in common and that is true but what she did not know was that he wanted me as a side thing, he wanted someone that would be OK with him messing around, thought i'd be ok with that but I was not.

Between 05-08 2005 I was the best me, I had gotten to be pretty confident I also seemed to have a happy-go-luckyness about me, I was loving life like never before 

Marina, Crystal, and me

then I met a guy online who for the life of me, I cannot figure out why I ever fell for him, I think I was just really desperate, I had signed up for numerous dating sites and one was primarily a gay site but they had a trans section and I know that he impressed me online but when I met him in person there was, nothing really, but as it turned out he was a master manipulater and did not care who he hurt to get what he wanted and I ended up moving in with him to Concord NC near Charlotte..

I am starting to think I should write a book lol well, i'll be posting more tomorrow possibly.

"Winter"

Today's blog is all about my past.... my early past. I feel that maybe typing my history I can come to understand my inner workings better and know how I ended up here.

Born then Separate

      I was a terrible baby, my mother said to me one fine evening during one of our oh so "lovely" conversations. She said that I would cry when the sun hit me wrong, at any slight provocation, and it was hell on her, which I can understand, it seemed like I resented being born and it was obvious that I had problems from the start. My father did not want me, he only wanted one child, my older brother, he did not agree to my birth, and since he and my mother were on the outs they ended up all but officially separating. I remember up until I think I was 5 him spending every hour every day at his job, a screen printing business that he owned, him living in a little apartment in the back of the large, almost warehouse like building and nowadays when I think about it I would not be surprised if he had a fling with one of the female employees at that time. I remember there were some places in that building I was afraid to go, not surprising since I was afraid of so many things. I loved the smell of the place somehow but I can no longer seem to describe it, maybe sandalwood, a sort of varnish old type of smell, maybe something you would expect to smell in an industrial building of it's type, I would say that variations of the smell attracts me to certain men nowadays. My brother Nathan says he was emotionally distraught over the separation, I however seemed to barely notice(my brain had not made the neural connections yet) besides the fact that I felt that my father paid less attention to me than with my brother.

This is going to be a story that will take many days to tell so let me give some information so I will not have to go into long tangents in the future...

A Little bit of Southern Family History

     I had a high amount of respect for both sets of my grandparents, what they achieved in life was remarkable and all of them, even my mother, father, and brother had/has an interesting pioneer, do-it-yourself spirit which has caused every single family member to have their own business or businesses where just 3(a little less actually) generations ago both sides, especially the southern side were very poor. My mother would reminisce about living in a shack close to the NC Appalachian mountains where they had an outhouse and got by on raising livestock and vegetables for their own consumption. My grandfather had it worse living in a one room shack with five brothers, he grew up tough, and he was someone others gravitated towards. Later, hanging sheet rock for his brothers, he happened to work longer and faster than them, which gave him the ability and respect to gain connections with other contractors to the point where he started his own housing business, with some contractors being favorable to my grandfather, his brothers saw this as a betrayal. By the end of his life he had made many connections and was well thought of. I remember asking him, "Granpa, you have enough money, why don't you get the internet or buy a TV that is not 30 years old?" he responded "I have everything I need, a house, my wife, a daughter, two grandchildren and my Cadillac.". My grandmother was a house wife and happy to be so and loved my grandfather so much that she did not not last more than a year after he died but she was very unhappy with where she was forced to live the last 20 or so years of her life which I do not think helped her disposition, one thing is for certain she treated me very well.

Ole Southern Racism, and Death

While I have generally good memories of of my southern set of grandparents, they treated my mother pretty terribly. They were extreme authoritarians while she was growing up, and when my mother was an adult my she was helping him with his housing business "JB Investments" making the floor plans but no matter how well she did my grandfather never complimented her and in-fact was always negative, and more often than not he would yell at her and humiliate in-front of everyone, one time, only one time did a contractor have the guts to stand up for my mother against my grandfather and he was not my daddy, it got so bad at one point that she tried to avoid him on the job.

My grandparents were also racist in that they would never allow a black person in their house, no matter how good they got along with said person, and they thought interracial couples were an abomination, and to them that was the worst thing, My mother said that she was threatened on if she every brought a black guy home, my mother seems unaffected by their racism, and I never heard any of it until I was a teen. I remember one morning I accompanied them during their weekly breakfast outing to McDonalds, an interracial couple couple who looked very in love walked by the window. I thought they looked lovely, but my grandparents commented to each other how disgusting the two were and kept saying what a poor choice the girl made, I asked them why and they were unable to give me a real answer just bullshit things like "it's not right" or "it's unnatural", just as telling, when I was a teen, I was leaving my grandparents house and my grandfather said "I'd rather you be gay than date a black woman." I was tempted to say to say back to him "Guess what, i'm dating a black guy." but that would have served no purpose other than create a rift between us. When he was dying of lung cancer they sent him a black preacher, who he tried to reject, but the preacher was determined, and not bothered by the racist slurs my grandfather threw at him, the man persisted and my grandfather respected that and relented, after many talks with the man he regretted his racism and apologized, until he died that was the only preacher he would give audience to. He also apologized to my mother for how he treated her throughout her entire life, he died peacefully with my father there holding his hand.

Short History of the Northern Family

       in Dillsburg PA my great-grandfather was a taxidermist for the natural history museum, pretty cool right? My grandfather started out selling bottled milk door to door as his first business. Unlike my southern grandfather he does not come across as tough despite his height but he is a leader. He and my grandmother were involved in numerous public works and charities, they owned a string of business, about 5, when they got bored they would sell the company and start another that piqued their interest including a shoe shop and a photography business, the last and longest running one before retirement was a very successful real estate business which he sold in the early 90s. At some point he joined the Freemasons, and became a very respected community leader, I always liked teasing him "Granpa, I watched a 2 hour special on the Freemasons yesterday." with alot of concern he responded "What! What did they say?!" and i'd loudly laugh and say "No worries, they did not reveal your secrets." and he calmly responds "Oh, ok.". He was always a busy person but he had time for me if I wanted it. My grandmother was very active volunteering for church based charities, and she was a terrific musician and singer, she was the piano player for a touring gospel choir, and taught piano in schools before I was born. I believe a tiny bit of sourness from me, towards her, came when she constantly tried to turn my southern accent into a northern one as a child, she hated the word "ya'll" They are both very religious obviously, but my grandfather is a good bit more open-minded, but they both thrill at intelligence. After having two sons my grandfather was hoping that my parents would produce girls, He bought girls clothes for my brother way before it was determined he would be a boy, not wanting to waste, my brother had to wear alot of pink and shirts that said things like "i'm a good girl" for the first year of his life. I am pretty sure he did not expect to have a female grandchild in this way meaning moi, I bet he is thrilled over my niece.

Intolerance 

I have never cared for my northern extended family, I always felt that they did not like us, this was especially felt at a family get-together when my grandparents redid their vows, you could feel the sneers towards me and my brother, who was already covered head to toe in tattoos. At a holiday get-together I got the distinct impression that if I said that I was not Christian or anything but a normal boy then i'd be completely ostracized and after hearing the story of what that family did to a distant relative because the boy loved pink and played with dolls, the family shamed him so much that he tried to become macho, got married and promptly killed himself. What would be odd to most, my southern family were OK with me "Does not affect me at all so why should I care?" is what I would hear most often or they were OK with it after seeing that I could pass and look like a normal girl(funny how family members can be OK with it due to how well one passes, usually your safety is what chiefly worries them) I never told my northern extended family anything about me and I don't really give a shit if I never talk to em or see them again

                                           Beaten Down
Now that we are pretty much done with family explanations, let's talk about a possible disorder, you see I was terrible at reading and writing as well as my speech, you could attribute this to a number of disorders but I attribute this to constant ear infections, where it felt like I was underwater at least 12 hours daily, the pediatrician kept telling my mother that I was autistic but my mother did not believe that since she could come up behind me, snap her fingers loudly right next to my ear and I would not notice.

 I was a bully in the first half of pre-school, the girls would not let me play and I was pretty much ignored which made me very angry, that anger was mostly about me, I hated myself so I directed it towards others, which really affects the psyche for a good long time. By the end of pre-school I had faded to the back of insignificance, I was falling very behind and was starting to get picked on constantly because of it so I kept falling back into myself and creating my own worlds in my head that I escaped to very often, My mother was extremely worried about me because I could sit in a rocking chair and rock back and forth for hours just staring. Elementary was horrible at first I was excited but it quickly became apparent that I would be ignored and be made fun of constantly, according to my mother, I was called stupid by the teacher who isolated me from the rest of the kids and encouraged them to make fun of me, her heart bled when I agreed with the teacher but then she got very angry, she rampaged at the school resulting in a class transfer.

Things were not that great with other people I knew. My father had gotten back with my Mother when I entered elementary I believe, but while I know he was really nice to me and tried to do his best to teach me sports(which I was terrible at and made fun of by the teachers as well) I do not remember a large presence from him. I don't know why but I always tried playing with the neighbor girl who was my age but because I was a boy she treated me like shit, she was basically made to play with me because our parents were friends even though her father disliked any boy around his daughter. She would be extremely reluctant to let me play with her toys ending with me going home on the verge of crying, she told me how sorry she was for being mean for the sake of being mean in high school. At home I tried my best to emulate my older brother but failed miserably at everything, he was my opposite, everyone liked him, he was very popular and good at the things he tried, so maybe, I thought, if I was like him things would change but I ended up being teased by my brother as well as his friends which again sent me away crying, in adulthood he apologized to me for this. At the house of my southern grandparents, my grandfather most certainly wanted little to do with me, I wanted to stay inside all the time hanging out with my grandmother and watch movies, I was always a big movie person, After a few times crying to my mother about not getting any attention from my grandpa it turned out he did not think I was a healthy boy, that I was not interested in what boys my age should be interested in, my mother tried to convince him at least take a few hours and do something with me that I like to do like watch movies with other people, he scoffed at that but eventually he came around and, once night started to fall, he would come inside and watch a movie with me. I had one friend named but his parents did not treat me very well either. Then there was my southern great-grandmother who called me a sissy every time that I did not do what the other boys were supposed to do.

All of that along with that intense ear infection helped nothing, one very happy memory was going to the Sylvan Learning Center where they gave me personal one on one instruction on reading and by the time I came out of there my reading, and understanding what I read was in line with a collage senior and I was still in the 3rd grade(My speech was not at an acceptable level until the 5th grade), other than accomplishing that I rarely felt happy and by the time I was eight the pediatrician kept insisting that I was autistic, but my mother finally had enough, told the pediatrician to basically go fuck himself, and we went to a different doctor where on my first visit he diagnosed me with a severe ear infection and I was scheduled immediately for surgery to have tubes put in my ears, I remember it very clearly, counting down from 10 then a neon like hammer hit me with the type of light you tend to see when your eyes are closed, with an after effect of stars, when I woke up I was groggy, it took me a minute to figure out what happened but I felt great otherwise. I never had a problem with my ears after that, my IQ quickly shot up past 100, in-fact I am a case example of how IQ can change but, as it turns out, i'll always be behind in other areas of life, still...I am lucky that the infection did not permanently damage my ears, any longer and it would have certainly done so, I have since met others who had the same problem and they were not so lucky. This is the point where all my anger and confusion over myself started to subside albeit slowly for as I come to find out, describing exactly what I feel is a gargantuan task.

Tomorrow i'll keep going on and talk more about my gender problems, transition, and such things, especially how I felt about it during different periods....

"Undone in Sorrow"

Greetings!

Welcome to my blog. My name is Mekari and I am alot of things, the listing of which would be too confusing, long and would cause me to constantly update that list but I trust as time goes by that whoever I decide to share this blog with will find some sort of view of me, but also as time goes by I hope this blog helps me to know my ins and outs in every minutiae detail.

So let's start with the name of the blog, "Shaken by a Low Sound" is the name of the second album belonging to a band called "Crooked Still". The name to me means that it's the little things that can affect someone the most, almost always unknowingly due to a human tendency to let those little irritations build up, the consequences of which can become huge. There were other options where you could derive the same meaning but I liked this one the best.

"Crooked Still" is a alternative bluegrass band from Boston with a dark sound that I love. My favorite song by them is "Undone in Sorrow" a song about someone coming back after a long absence to see the world and finding that she is worth more than any riches he might have gained but finds out after arriving home that she has died and he plummets into despair.

                                                                                                                            ~Mekari