"Tempted"

So.... I accidently got the Master and Mistress's car towed, we all(Mistress was at work) had to take the bus to the Path and walk about 10 blocks to the tow place, was a bit of a hassle to get the car back, a shitload more restrictions up here than down south that is for sure, I ended up paying for it since they did not have the moola right now, still they were frustrated but not mad, it's not like you can change it after the fact so it would not make sense to be mad at me if I know my mistake.Though honestly it was bullshit, I parked in-front of a secondary entrance that is never used and constantly chained up with a heavy duty padlock, believe me I pass it every day of the week, it's always the huge main entrance that is open, so just like most parking policies in Jersey City, they just really want your money. Still, i'll be ultra careful in the future.

I have been thinking for awhile now on if I should move back down south, I am not feeling the city. I am someone who prefers less people, I always feel happier going into the city on a Monday  where the presence of other human beings is minimal, which is odd for someone living so near THE city. Quite frankly I am someone who prefers a place between a city and country, I love to have a yard where I can grow things and woods to run in, there has never been, not even on time, that I have not felt a bit closed inhere, I love a wide space. People think I should get out more to clubs, nightlife and all that jazz, but it gets unsafe here in the middle of the night, which leaves out going to a club unless the Master happens to come with me. Positively, NJ is like the number one state for transition, easier to get all your documents changed, protected against discrimination under state law, free hormones within the NYC-metro area, and medicaid is available to me here unlike NC where the health of the poor is not really cared about.

While typing this I remembered something the Master said about the south being nothing but hicks and I had to lay it out that, outside the big cities, the north is just as full of hicks, if not more so. Down south in NC for instance acceptance completely depends on the county you're in, one county could be totally cool but the next county over will actually tell you to leave in a very menacing way, I was told by a another transsexual that her home country, Germany, is the same way. I am getting tired of people saying southern=hick, so unless you're moving to one of the big northern cities then I am sorry, you are going to run into just as many hicks in the north.

I should mention briefly that I am involved in a certain relationship described as "closed poly, built on an M/s structure" I think you might be able to figure it out from there. basically, even though I took that path I might have not of truly thought through it in the way that I could not see all the steps at the start, so now I do not think it is working out for me and I am looking for another path, either a completely different one or a modified one.

Collide is a a great darkwave/trip hop/synth pop/Goth band hailing from LA. Many of their compositions are fantastic and with one of the greatest voices i've heard they have a one-of-a-kindness thing about them. Another great song by them is their cover of "Comfortably Numb" which is arguably the greatest cover of that piece out there.

"Illusion"

Yesterday I was walking around NYC in the village trying to see if my feelings about the city could change for the positive in 90 degree weather. I did indeed feel very good and much more relaxed unlike most of  my visits to the city. A friend was with me and he wanted to introduce me to a new restaurant knowing how much I like traditional foods, sadly the restaurant had closed, not surprising I suppose knowing how hard it is to keep a restaurant operational. So he treated me to a delicious gourmet donut where we had a conversation about how people dress and what that says about them especially my my ex who would wear sweatpants to an opera and what doing such things truly says about him. Afterwards I insisted on going to "Big Gay Ice cream"  across the street where I introduced my friend to who Bailey Jay is (I got interested in what she has to say through her "Sugar & Spice" podcast with Jen Richards it was my #1 podcast!) Told him that i'd like to meet her but I do not think i'd want to hang out with her, my friend gave me an odd look so I started explaining....
i've been friends with Sarina Valentina since we both started transitioning over 10 years ago but even though we were great friends over the phone, every time I visited i'd feel very inadequate, How I acted over the phone ended up not being the same in person,  That was me in the past when I had very low self-esteem and little self worth, would I feel so inadequate today being much more secure in my person, or maybe it has something to do with the profession? So I started to think how my insecurities have changed, I am much more guarded today, why? I have an idea.... but i'll talk about that another time for the sake of not making this too long. Is this inadequacy only on the surface or deeper? Sure I have not known any woman who has not felt inadequate in some way, I feel this even today when passing some people on the street, so at what point does the feeling overwhelm? Sure, media plays into it alot but now I believe that it is ingrained and how much depends on the person and that no one is completely exempt.

My physical insecurities affected my mental insecurities when I was younger and it stems from many things in my past. I believe the many insecurities I have today are more invisible unlike the many insecurities I had when I was younger so it seems that I swapped my insecurities... or, maybe they just matured and I am sure many other's feel the same.

"Sugar & Spice" with Bailey Jay & Jen Richards  (The latest one talking alot about what I am trying to get through on this post)

"Undone in Sorrow"

Greetings!

Welcome to my blog. My name is Mekari and I am alot of things, the listing of which would be too confusing, long and would cause me to constantly update that list but I trust as time goes by that whoever I decide to share this blog with will find some sort of view of me, but also as time goes by I hope this blog helps me to know my ins and outs in every minutiae detail.

So let's start with the name of the blog, "Shaken by a Low Sound" is the name of the second album belonging to a band called "Crooked Still". The name to me means that it's the little things that can affect someone the most, almost always unknowingly due to a human tendency to let those little irritations build up, the consequences of which can become huge. There were other options where you could derive the same meaning but I liked this one the best.

"Crooked Still" is a alternative bluegrass band from Boston with a dark sound that I love. My favorite song by them is "Undone in Sorrow" a song about someone coming back after a long absence to see the world and finding that she is worth more than any riches he might have gained but finds out after arriving home that she has died and he plummets into despair.

                                                                                                                            ~Mekari